CHAPTER 1: < A LOUD SELF TALK>...;)

“Because,

I want to stop gasping and start breathing.

I want to stop running and start walking.

I want to stop humming and start singing.

I want to stop preparing and start breathing-Life.”

                                                            -Me

Having studied in 8 different education institutes, I’ve been through it all, experienced it all. From the worst to the best and back, like a pendulum swinging back and forth. Each new place was a new chapter to my life book. A new layer to unfold. A new ‘ME’ was born. A singer , a dancer, an orator, a sportsman, a painter, debator,follower,skater, swimmer, sprinter,leader, a looser. From being a everybody to nobody. I’ve been it all, sometimes a MISS POPULAR, sometimes a MISS INVISIBLE. From being a school-leader to a one-man-army, each new place gave me a choice. And I choose what became of me...because I wanted a taste of it all, like a crazy child left free in a room full of ice creams ,colours n dreams to be fulfilled(though I was never a great  fan of ice-creams .)..

                                        And now ,years later as I sit here ,simply wondering(chumma :D ) what I really actually truly wanted from life, I found myself laughing . I didn’t want any of those. I didn’t want to be a singer, dancer, leader or any of those great things at all...I wanted the “Little things” in life...

There is a greater truth we realise with time- it is not the great nothings, but the little some things that matter.....

I want those little “some things” in life:-

I wanted a walk on the beach barefoot once in a while to feel the naughty sea tickling my feet and the shy hot wet sand escape between my toes to hide under the water again.

I wanted to spend an hour everyday night sky watching and trying to make stupid meaningless patterns out of those hide-and-seek playing stars.

I wanted to sing along loudly and crazily (even outside my bathroom<laughs>) with a song that played on the radio.

I wanted to still be able to play a clever prank and never get caught.

I wanted to dance till my feet could fly and get lost and in the rhythm and not be scared of going wrong.

I wanted to go for a walk in the rain and feel the tickle of the first drops slid down...or maybe a scooter/bike ride perhaps... ;)

I wanted to go for a long drive through a new road, get lost and re-discover.

I wanted to just get into some random bus and go for an unplanned unannounced trip (with my mobile switched off...)

I wanted to share a cup of hot brewing lime tea with someone special on an icy-cold day (while my spec’s glass covers itself with the foggy combination of hot and cold).

I  wanted to write , read and laugh till I could die(and I’m pretty sure that’s exactly how I’m going to die. Laughing).

I wanted to feel the wind on my face and fly (impossible!!!).

I wanted to pose for a series of crazy group photos without worrying about how my hair falls or if I’m putting on the best non-constipating smile...

I wanted not to be too busy to see a pair of butterflies fluttering and dancing.

I wanted to still notice the zillion shades of green on my every journey.

I wanted to still notice my lucky bird, and just believe deep inside that my day would be awesome somehow.

I wanted time to have a pillow fight once in a while (very often) with my children and     husband (in future, of course).

I wanted to feel the sand on my fingers (and not just the keyboard keys or phone) and build a sand castle and then break it myself.

      I wanted to feel the smell of the freshly cut grass and the smell of summers first rain.

      I wanted to fall on a sheet of light green grass sprinkled with the morning dew.

I wanted a peaceful dream-filled sleep every night.

I want to enjoy the taste of a brain-freezing ice cream under a hot burning sky.

I want to drink the air from a LAYS packet (which I always find tastier than the contents inside).

I want to watch the sunset n the colours mix and fading in that never ending horizon.

And I wanted a life that gave me time to enjoy all the above little some things.

All these little things were always there, but maybe I was too busy to notice. And every time I did notice, I was too busy preparing myself to enjoy it .Later (hopefully). And then I looked at myself- catching a namesake meal (for me) and having a namesake bath (for other), running around everywhere. I had actually forgotten how to walk. I had absolutely no clue what the color of my room was or the things I saw everyday on my way. I had fixed my focus on that god-knows-what, that I had turned a blind-eye to the things on the way. And hitting the bed at 2 or 3 am (so that I’ll still be alive), and then again getting up and the same old story again....damn!! This is not what I wanted. So not what I planned for. “It’s not the destination that matters, it’s the journey”.

All throughout my school life, I kept postponing, calculating and measuring for the never-coming-tomorrow. And now I was exactly where I began-GROUND ZERO. And I realized that if I kept preparing myself to enjoy it, I’ll be thinking the same tomorrow, day after tomorrow and even the day after that. Maybe I am not ready to miss all of it again. Maybe I was not ready to fill my emptiness with void spaces anymore. Maybe I was not afraid anymore. Maybe I was growing up. Maybe I was growing my own wings.

When we stop living for the sake of it and actual start “breathing life”, are we really alive.”Life is full of life”, I’ve read somewhere, so I set out to live that life in my life. So-“CHAPTER 1: <A LOUD SELF TALK>” ;)

                                                        THE BEGINNING.

           CHAPTER 2: ALIS VOLAT PROPRIIS... (Aka.SHE FLIES WITH HER OWN WINGS).. ;)